Thursday, June 14, 2018

Fatherhood

They tell you a lot of things when they hear you’ve got a baby on the way. The nebulous They. Your coworkers, family, strangers on the street, baggers at the grocery checkout. Oh, it’s the greatest time, they will tell you. Enjoy every moment while it lasts, because they’ll be in college before you know it. Do this trick for that problem and that trick for this problem. On and on.

But nobody tells you that you will think homicidal thoughts.

That is not quite what it sounds like. Allow me to explain.

I am a pacifist. I have never been in a fight. Despite desperately wanting to get in one during my early 20s, I am glad I did not succeed in that. I am past the age of the draft, but I used to wonder what I would do on the frontline of a battle. I think I would die rather than kill. Easy to say from my couch, but who knows.

All that is to set up background. When they placed my son in my hands for the first time and I looked down at his squawling little face I immediately thought:

“I will kill anyone who tries to hurt you.”

Just like that. Kill. I didn’t intentionally think this so much as the thought came up unbidden. Just appeared there in my psyche. I balked at first. Kill?! But then, yeah. I probably would.

***********

He’s almost 10 weeks old now. Last week I had a nightmare. I could hear Joy screaming my name from the other end of the house. I couldn’t tell what was happening to her, but I could hear terror in her voice. The kind of terror that makes the hair on the back of your stand up when you hear it. I didn’t know if she was hurt or the baby was hurt or if there was an intruder. I had no idea what was wrong. I just knew that she needed me. Remember, this was all in my mind, all in the dream.

In real life, I leapt out of bed and sprinted to our bedroom door, intending to run to wherever she was calling from. Then I heard Joy call out “Joey?!” This time her voice was calmer. She was confused, but calm. She was also lying right next to where I had just been in bed. I had startled her by jumping out of bed from a dead sleep. “What’s the matter?” She asked.

Nothing. Nothing at all. Just a nightmare. A Dad nightmare. A husband nightmare. Took me more than an hour to fall back to sleep. And the sound of her screams haunted me for a couple days. But I do know that if I had come across anyone in our home hurting her or the baby... they would’ve regretted that decision.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

I've been tracking all of the movies I've been watching this year on Letterboxd and I just hit my first 100. Here they are, in the order that I watched them. There are a lot of BAD horror and nostalgic 80s/90s movies on the list, in addition to a few go-to ones and several widescreen releases....we don't have an amazing indi scene over here, but we get a few at Alamo.

If I had to recommend one, it would be one that Brian recommended to me earlier this year, Columbus. It somehow slipped thorough the radar and is easily one of the best shot movies I've ever seen. 

Raw
I, Tonya
Superbad
The Shape of Water
A Ghost Story
The Open House
Phantom Thread
The Final
The Vault
Rings
The Karate Kid
Frank
The Similars
A Dark Song
Hard Candy
Don’t Hand Up
@urFRENZ
Perfect Sisters
Behind the Mask
Sunshine Cleaning
The Karate Kid II
The Karate Kid III
The Next Karate Kid
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri
The Lazarus Effect
10 Cloverfield Lane
The Cloverfield Paradox
Columbus
The Ritual
The Good Neighbor
Antibirth
Cashback
Bloodsport
Let’s Be Evil
Black Panther
Raze
I Am Not a Serial Killer
Man on the Moon
All is Lost
Spaceballs
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Mortal Kombat
Annihilation
Tag
Red Sparrow
The Post
Honeymoon
Call Me by Your Name
Patchwork
The Girl in the Photographs
The Tortured
Nymphomaniac Vol I
The Strangers Prey at Night
Game Night
Tomb Raider (2018)
The Collector
Crush the Skull
Nymphomaniac Vol II
Moon
The Collection
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
Bad Match
Ingrid Goes West
The Babysitter
Bite
Tall Men
The Alchemist Cookbook
Ready Player One
Unsane
Viral
Isle of Dogs
Aliens: Zone of Silence
Man Vs
Avengers: Infinity War
A Quiet Place
Kaboom
Doctor Strange
Friend Request
How to Rob a Bank
Bottom of the World
Bug
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
A Nightmare on Elm Street
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4
Circus Kane
The Little Hours
Teenage Cocktail
OtherLife
Listening
The Beguiled (2017)
Deadpool 2
Coherence
B4
Thelma
Hatchet
Tragedy Girls

Monday, May 21, 2018

Inspiration is unreliable, at best. When it does show up, hopefully it finds you working. Doubtless I'm saying something that we've all heard before. As I've grown past the age of being considered a young creative prodigy, I've been surprised by a youthful liberty of thought. There's a certain obsession often seen in children. Demanding the same meal again and again. Watching the same movie several times a day (now with on-demand digital streaming they no longer have to suffer the eternal few minutes it took to rewind a VHS, but then they also lost that satisfying KACHUNK when the tape was ready to watch again).

And in their way, they become experts.

The biggest obstacle when attempting to write creatively before is that I didn't have a schedule. The second biggest obstacle was that I believed I was only good if I was original. I don't think that now.

Inspiration is unreliable, and when it comes it had best find you working. Someone else already said that. And now I'm saying it, the way I would say it, at a specific time in my life, to a specific group of people.

And managing schedule thing is easy enough. There's all kinds of tools for that.

KACHUNK